Music Makes Me High

Sunday, August 31, 2008

hey,haven't been posting for ages,need some laughs from all the stress i had,so here are some jokes i extracted from the Panic At The Disco and The Pussycat Dolls cover of LIME magazine.(read it,it's seriously hilarious!)

Poke Fun At Paranoia

1.strap on a parachute and sit in an upright position.

2.when the guy next to you asks what you're doing,whisper very loudly,"one of the engines is on fire!"

3.send the passengers into a panic.

4.break into laughter and tell everyone it's just a joke.

5.use the parachute as an escape route when they try to castrate you.

Pick Up Chicks

you:hey,what are you doimg?

woman:i'm...trying to sleep...

you:mmm...you smell nice.

woman:um,thanks?

you:can i help you adjust your seat?

woman:who are you?leave me alone!

you:you really do smell great.like roast meat.yum.

woman:SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Disguise Your Fart

you:this food smells like fart!

stewardess:i'm sorry,sir.can i offer you peanuts instead?

you:these peanuts smell like fart!

stewardess:sir,they smell just fine.

you:you smell like fart!

stewardess:...

you:(whisper)i'm sorry.i'm just trying to cover up my gas by pushing the blame to someone else.you see,i have a chronic gas disorder.

Be Extra Friendly

bored onboard?join the stewardesses at the front of the plane in welcoming all passengers on the plane with a cheeky wink and a firm handshake.remember to make a small talk about the weather with every single passenger just to hold up the boarding queue.

Ask Intelligent Questions

at 30,000 feet in the air,casually walk up to the main door of the plane,pry it open and go"hmm,i wonder what happens if i do this."cue sound of terrified passengers.

Be Sure To Get Their Names Right

you:hey Chad!

Chris:hey,it's Chris.my name's Chris.

you:oh,right,Chester!nice to meet you.

Chris:it's Chris!

you:that's cool Chimp!how're you doing?

Chris:are you deaf?it's CHRIS!C-H-R-I-

you:jeez,there's no need to shout,Colby.talk about making a bad first impession,sheesh!

Chris:?!?!

Be Generous With Your Compliments

man:what a lovely day it is taday!

you:not as lovely as you,you...you...you sexy beast.grrr!!!

man:i'm sorry?

you:you're so sexy you could charm the petals off a flower!(drool)

man:um,thank you?

you:no seriously,any sexier and ninjas will have to assassinate you for beimg too damn awesome.

man:i'm married,miss.please go away.

Honesty Is Always The Best Policy

lady:hello sir,how was your day today?

you:well,i killed a cat with a cleaver,brutalised a toddler with my vulgar verbal abuse,punched a taxi driver for driving too slowly and haven't changed my soiled underwear in six weeks.but enough about my day,how was yours?

lady:um...er,i have somewhere else to be.

Be Optimistic

fat man:i really need to go on a diet.

you:well,you are a little more flab than fab but hey,when you die,they'll donate your flesh to a Third World country and poverty will end!you'll be a saviour.

fat man:what?!i'm not that fat!

you:no,of course you aren't!you're just 10 times your appropriate weight.but that's okay!there's 10 times more of you to love,right?

fat man:oh shut up,you skinny twig!

Be Entertaining

life is like a musical so why not abruptly burst into a song-and-dance routine to liven up a dull conversation?this cheerful approach works best during your very first important office meeting or when mingling with the mourners at a funeral.if you catch anyone glaring at you,it's only because they're jealous that you're so talented and well-liked.

6:27 AM